Some days I feel pretty damn hurt. I don’t even know why. I can’t even explain it. I’ll think I’m so happy and that everything is damn near perfect, and then I’ll realize it isn’t and I feel like shit for a hundred and one reasons. I don’t get why I put myself through the stuff I do, why I allow people to treat me like they do. I can’t complain- I can’t be upset. But I feel like all I’m doing lately is carrying on. And I keep finding people who I want to believe so badly will break that for me. Will make me excited again and happy and want to do more than lay in bed or watch movies with my mom or run. Not even a boy or anything. Just a friend. But I can’t do that, because I spend all my time running from anyone who has even the slightest ability to make me happy. I’m stuck in this stupid infinite spiral of hating, loving, hating, loving. Damnit, I am not supposed to feel like this. My head is so stuffed, I want to scream.

If you would have asked me last year, I would have told you I have the BEST friends in the world, hands down. No one could be better. They’d always be there. Through anything. I guess that was a little naive. True, I wasn’t always the greatest friend, but to 99% of my friends, I never failed them. I made a mistake, and spent my entire senior year paying for it. And I can’t even be bitter about it because it showed me who my real friends were, you know? Even though it left me with two. Two friends who stayed with me. Two friends who didn’t throw me away just because that’s what everyone else seemed to be doing. I can’t say I’m sad to be graduating. I can’t say I’ll miss high school, or anyone in it. My senior year, the year that was supposed to be the best year yet, was the worst one of my life. I spent the majority of my weekends with my mom or Jordan or Angela. I didn’t get invited to any “senior class” things, not that I would have felt comfortable going anyway. All of these girls I called my best friends for YEARS were all of the sudden people I couldn’t even hold a conversation with anymore. People I avoided talking to in class. People who made me feel uncomfortable and forgotten. I can’t say I hate it, or I miss it, or anything like that. All of the drama walked out when everyone else did. A chance to start over, you know? And I did. I like to think I became a completely different person. I stopped feeling so goddamn insecure, I stopped acting like a lunatic for the most part. And the best part is how much closer I got to the four people who matter- my mom, Angela, Jordan, and Lauren. Even though it didn’t seem like it at the time, these are the four people who have literally stuck it out with me through everthing. Even when I was wrong. Even when I was sad all of the time. I thought I’d get into UGA- that all of this bullshit would be over because I wouldn’t have to see the majority of these people ever again. I didn’t even explore any other options. I had everything everyone else who got in had. Why wouldn’t I get in too? And then I didn’t. And I was stuck at the same school with the same people who made me feel uncomfortable for over a year. But, I have to believe that I’m at KSU for a reason. That I’m supposed to stay here to be close to the people that matter so much to me. That I’m supposed to make new relationships with people who will matter just as much sometime soon. I guess this is a blog to say no, I won’t miss high school. I’m thrilled to leave. I’m thrilled to not feel awkward and left out and left behind by the girls who I would have literally done anything for. I’m thrilled to be away from the people who made me feel so bad about myself, when I was nothing but a good friend to the majority of them. But then again, I thank God for this year, as awkward and uncomfortable and upsetting as I found it because, without it, I don’t think I ever could have fully appreciated the incredible family, friends and boyfriend I was blessed with. Sure, I don’t have a lot. I don’t go to parties and I don’t get to do big sleepovers with girlfriends and I don’t hang out with anyone that much, but I was lucky enough to find the few people I could trust and depend on and would be there for me, through everything. I got close to people I never thought I would, I forgave someone I always should have, I learned to accept people who accepted me. But I can’t say it doesn’t truly suck to look back on my senior year and remember it as the year I didn’t have friends. I guess this is my way of saying I’m not bitter and I’m not upset anymore- I just don’t care to pretend it’s okay. It wasn’t okay that you all ditched me. It wasn’t okay to lose all of my friends. And it wasn’t okay that you can all act like we’re fine just fine and sign my yearbook and tell me how awesome these past few years have been and how great this year was when we’re not friends anymore. I’m not part of your life and you’re not part of mine. And I guess that’s it. The last thing I’ll leave you all with, the things I wished I had the balls to write in all of your yearbooks. It’s not okay, and we’re not friends. I wish you all well, really. Unlike most of you, I still think of you as being good people. Happy graduation.

My last blog for a while, I think.

“I’ve been noticing lately how much I absolutely adore you :) I love being around you. I love being with you. I love when you tell me silly jokes. I love when you make fun of me “in a good way”. I love our silly kisses, especially when we re-enact the Hot Rod kiss :P I love that you tell me whatsup and don’t let me get too bitchy. I love that we watch Hot Rod every single time we hang out. I love that we can’t keep suprises. And I love that we’re together. You make me feel fantastic about myself :) You’re the greatest, 100%.”Posted two years ago.

We used to get on so well.

My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state.
My lover, she is waiting for me just across the bar.
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses, asking ‘bout a scar.
And, I know I gave it to you months ago.. I know you’re trying to forget.
But between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologies,
you know I’m trying hard to take it back.
So if, by the time the bar closes, and you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home.

Tonight, we are young.
So let’s set the world on fire.
We can burn brighter than the sun.

Now I know that I’m not all that you’ve got.
I guess that I, I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart.
But our friends are back, so let’s raise a glass
‘cause I found someone to carry me home.

I hate wearing eyeliner, it makes my eyes itch so badly. My nail polish is chipping and it looks trashy. I shut my ankle in the car door today and now it’s bruised. Tanning lotion doesn’t smell good two hours later. I’m stressing so hard over UGA. I want to know where I’m going to college. I want to get drunk with my friends, give a fuck how trashy that it. I want to be in PC. I want to sleep. I want a different summer job, preferably waitressing. I want to sleep in a hammock this weekend. I need straight A’s this semester. I love how much you make me laugh. My hair’s finally growing. My back hurts so badly, I need to go to the chiropractor. I wonder how badly I failed that lab test today. I need some glitter. Or shimmer. Or sparkles. And bathing suits and new clothes. I want really nice stud earrings. Like, Tiffanys. This is literally what I’ve thought about for the past 5 minutes. I need to get some less superficial concerns.

I know I talk about this a lot, but I feel like I’ve really grown up. I feel like I’m not this little girl anymore who’s super naive about everything, but I don’t feel like I’m this super bitter bitch anymore either. I’ve found the spot where I want to be.. the place I fit in, the friends that make me feel good. And I feel like if I rush the rest of high school away, I’m going to miss so many opportunities. These past few days have been the most fun I’ve had in a while. I’ve hung out with so many people I never thought I would, and I’ve had more fun than I ever think I have. It’s nice to just put everything on hold and enjoy the place you’re at while you’re there. No worrying, no stressing, no anger, nothing but love for the moment you’re in. I’m sick of worrying about college, about friends, boys, everything. So I don’t anymore. God has this all planned out, regardless of anything I do. He’s got my back. I don’t have to stress. And let me tell you, it feels good to realize that.

My life.

And I guess thats because I normally blog when im sad. But im not sad at all. My life has been absolutely incredible. I havent been this happy in a while. This weekend was one of the best I’ve ever had. I love my friends so much. Thank yall.

Nothing sucks more than waiting to find out if I got accepted to UGA. I have 28 days left, at max. But that seems so long. I just want to decide what I’m doing so I can figure all of this stuff out. And I’m scared because I’ve just gotten really close with all of my good friends-the ones that actually matter-and none of them are going to Georgia. So I’ll be alone up there and that’s so scary. And part of me wants to make them come with me and part of me wants to find new people and part of me wants to stay home and go to KSU and I don’t know what I’m doing. I just feel like, if I knew if I got accepted or not, I would be able to decide so much easier. College is stressing me out. School in general is stressing me out. My body hurts and I’m just HAHFJSHDFJKHSDHGUDF. But I’m happy. And I guess that’s all that matters anyway.